Is this an irreparable rift?

We never said a word about it. But I know you feel how slowly we are drifting apart. I still keep on ignoring how all of a sudden I seem to have forgotten to miss every moment we spent together, every laugh shared, every tears shed and every sundowns we used to watch. The talks over coffee, over beer, over books, over cheap meals we lazily make. I keep ignoring that we keep ignoring each other and I feel bad about it. I keep ignoring that i’m not really sure if feeling like this should actually matter. I keep ignoring the neutral reaction I feel seeing you happy with other people, and so am I being with others, and how I somehow know that I don’t miss you and, somehow I know that you don’t miss me too. I ignore the hate I feel for myself for feeling this way. 

I hate that it feels like we are slipping away consensually by the words we never said. I keep ignoring how badly I want to say “Hey, how are you?” but just won’t because I know I wouldn’t know what to say next, that if I type the words “I miss you” I’d be betraying how I actually feel and because I only say I miss you to people I actually miss. I keep ignorig the urge to say Hi again because I want to save us from having more awkward conversations.
No. Maybe forgotten is not the right word. I don’t know how or why, but one day I just woke up and realized that all those moments we had seemed to have been pushed back into the farthest part of my mind, somewhere that’s a kilometer away from oblivion. That’s still way too far from that pit, but nonetheless is still a danger zone for memories. I suddenly woke up one morning and realized how time and distance had set us apart physically and emotionally.

Maybe this is part of going through adulthood. We loosen ties with those who we used to be so tight with. It hurts like hell if you’d dwell thinking about it, so yes, you just ignore the thought. Hoping that when the day comes that when you see each other again you’d have Do-you-remember-when’s and both of you would ease in to remembering and everything will be as it had before.

And then we saw each other again for the first time after less than a year. “How are you?” later on got into “I remember when’s” then “I’m happy to see you, I hope we do this again”. That moment that we parted I still wasn’t so sure if you actually want to see me again. I have had friends whom I haven’t seen for long and I felt actually excited about reconnecting, rekindling and wanting about seeing them again, I hate the way that it didn’t feel like that for you.

But yes I tried again. I met with you again. And I hate how less enthusiastic I felt being with you. I felt awkward I felt like I needed to be the same person you used to be with growing up to actually connect with you. But I no longer know that part of myself. I felt pressured. It felt like I needed to keep up with your maturity. I know how bad it feels to not know how to figure out the life ahead our 20’s but we never mentioned how confused we are, how lost we were, we just said, “I’m fine”. And went babbling about random uncconnected things.

I just stared at your face and realized how the years have shaped them. Your eyes never lost their luster yet somehow they felt hoping that we actually get through this phase in our friendship. Because though we never said a thing about it, I know you feel it too. I remember how I told one of your friends how “Someday, I know our friendship will be tested and I hope we get through it”, and here I am fighting for it too.

I may have stopped talking to you, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t like having you around or that I don’t want to talk to you. I just feel like I actually don’t have anything to relate with you right now. Maybe someday when were done with figuring out the people I want to keep, I hope that you are still on the list and I hope I am in yours too. I may not say anything to you for a while, won’t even bother to drop a ” how are you” on your inbox but know that I am hoping that you find the best in life, and hope that you are always well.

But Im not really cutting you out of my life completely. Know that I may have cut physical ties with people who used to matter and be really close with, but I can never cut the invisible strings that ties me to them, to you. The invisible strings we call memories.

Im not really sure if our friendship just fell apart or we’re just taking a hiatus.


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