Maybe you don’t understand yet the gravity of losing someone you really love.

Someone you can’t bear to lose.

Maybe you haven’t grieved that hard yet. I understand.

I have known it. Twice. I lost my mother four years ago, and recently had lost my father.

Of course one can resort to doing other things than crying. But as you do, the mourning never leaves the back of your mind. It creeps to you in every second you spend not  thinking of it. You remember them in everything you see and hear, and everywhere you set foot on. You carry a burden all day, all set deep into your heart.

But right now, as hard as it is to bear, I cannot cry. I am not crying when I should be. I don’t know why. I know well of the grave loss that I have had. I know it’s too much to bear, but I cannot cry.

It hurts my head, and I know well of this feeling. This is the same feeling I had a week after my mother died. I remember that my head hurts too much I just wanted to bang my head on the wall, light but repeatedly, because I’m not crying when I should be, and I wanted to feel pain. Funny  that I only remember just now the full detail of it.

I only used to remember that I was at the hospital and staring blankly into space. I knew what was happening around me but no, I just didn’t want to move, or speak.

I did not speak for almost a month after that. The only way I was helped was by how people would greet my puppy, Patch, then I would say thanks. I didn’t want to talk to people, or anyone.

But I know better now. I cannot let myself go into that again. But I badly want to cry. I just want to cry real hard so it would be over. I know I have friends and people who would be there to help me get through this grieving. Let me grieve. I have been smiling and all and always keeping it positive until now, but when time comes that I cry real hard, just let me cry to pour it all.

I just don’t feel strong by not crying like I am being so right now.

Maybe Life had again hit me so hard, so much harder now that I have gone so numb this time.


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