I know how it feels to lose a parent. Lost my mother four years ago. Every year, the traumatic memory of her last moments at the hospital still haunts me. I still cry whenever I remember the confusion and panic of that moment. It was like the slowest and longest time I had feeling fear and uncertainty.
And just recently, I have lost my father. I have long wondered what I’d be without my old man, and here I am still wondering.
If there was one thing I learned when I lost my mom, it was that, you have to tell and show the people around you how much you love and care for them as if they are gonna be lost the next day, or even the next moment. Maybe, some of you still dont understand the gravity of losing someone and regretting that you werent able to show them how special they are for you. I wanted to do a lot of things with my mom, I regretted that I was not able to tell her the words I deprived her hearing, the simple ‘I love yous’ and ‘I miss yous’. I wanted her to be a little more involved with my life, I long wanted a mother-daughter bonding day or the like, but I never had that. I was too busy being away from home, I was too involved at college.
It was only when she started getting really sick and having her once to twice dialysis a week that I gave a lot more attention to her. I go back and forth Los Banos to San Pablo everyday whenever she gets hospitalized, I do my assignments and reviewing there every night at the hospital’s fire exit, I endure cold, early travels in the morning just to be able to see her. I wanted to make the most of the time she had left. I knew she was going to leave us sooner or later, but I hoped for a miracle. Though it never came.
But it was different with my father. I have always been closest to my father ever since.
I know even to this moment that I have showered him with love. I have given him every needed attention. All the more when mom died, he was the center of my universe.
He’s like the only guy who remembers how I eat my chicken. Who knows what dress would suit and I’d prefer. The only one who understands my mood swings when it’s my time of the month. The only guy who offers me a retail brochure and tells me to order anything I want. Always to the rescue with a bottle of Coke when I’m home and first day menstruation sets in.
My constant flower giver every Valentines’ birthday. My movie date whenever there were new action or war movies. One who patiently waits on me as I browse through books, deciding what I want to buy. Cooks pata tim for me because he knows I love his recipe, I even had to ask him how he does it.
I wonder if I’ll ever have a guy like that again in my life.
He loves me to the moon and back as I love him too. I’m not sure but maybe knowing I have loved him hard and I was able to show him that, is the reason why I still am not crying hard when it feels like I should be, or maybe things are still not sinking in on me. I am not denying of his death, but seriously I feel numb of the loss that I should be grieving upon.
My father has always been a generous giver of love, he never wastes a chance to show his love, care and concern to the people who matters to him, to the people around him. Whenever he can, he will.
And alone with the love that he has shared to us I know it is enought to keep him and his memories alive in our hearts and those lives that he touched.
You are really fortunate if you still have your parents, or even just one beside you, or maybe them, being those who you come back home for. Take care of them, love them hard. I did love my parents too, I loved them hard but see, sometimes, love isn’t just enough.
Race against time, you never know when their time comes. Regret hits hard so while you can, love hard.